14/07/13

Dealey Plaza

Dallas, Texas

Texas. What a state to be in!

Well boys and girls, we survived the 45 hour journey form Aspen to Houston in 104 degrees heat and arrived exactly 30 minutes before show time. The support band loaned us their drum set and there are now no fat people on the bus.

Houston, you were fabulous. Austin, ditto. Dallas was a blast. The A/C people came down and did their repairs on the bus so at least we are not sweating like ladies of the night in a house of ill repute.

Everything’s bigger and better in Texas, and don’t get me started on the size of those food portions either. The waste product coming from my nether region is so big I was thinking of selling it to the Royal Navy so they could send it oversees as a task force.

Houston was the hottest and sweatiest. Dallas was great for the historical importance and head wound thing, but Austin was by far the funniest. I was watching a band in the club next door to the Belmont when a guy wanders in dressed as a panda. He shimmied across the dance floor and started hitting on some good looking big girl. For some strange reason, the front of house engineer took exception to this and ran across the floor and punched him square in the face. The panda guy retaliated and as the two of them rolled about the floor tearing lumps out of each other, the band played on. As I retired to the bus I was accosted by a heavy set Texan broad dressed as the statue of liberty and her boyfriend who demanded that we drive the bus to Motherwell, Scotland.

Austin, you’re my kind of town.

That is all.

12/07/13

Just outside Quanah, Texas

Houston, we have a problem.

Well, it’s 104 degrees aboard Apollo 18 today. We are on a long journey from Aspen, Colorado to Houston, Texas and the heat in this tin can is unbearable. To make matters worse, we nearly got hit by a bloody crop duster just outside of Childress. It was so close that Ray, our new driver, discovered that farts have lumps. Both toilet and AC units have blown. The heat and smell is unbearable and we now resemble the cast of ‘Ain’t Half Hot Mum’ with Derek excelling in the role of Lofty. Because of these problems, our journey to Houston has been put in jeopardy. Our ETA is 20.00 hours and our onstage time is 23.00 hours. We may have to drive to Dallas and abandon the command module, rent a new smaller module and drive like the wind to make show time. This plan is doable as long as the supporting artists lend us their drum kit. Let’s hope they are not a Lawrence Welk tribute act.

That is all.

05/07/13

On the Queen Elizabeth II Highway from Calgary to Edmonton

Canada

Just thought I would share this picture of my effect pedals for all the tech heads who have requested the lowdown.

As I had to travel light I had to ditch my MXR Pitch Transposer and Line 6 delay rack unit/pedal board system and come up with something new. After trawling the local music shops the solution came from Guitar Guitar in the shape of a TC Nova multi effects unit. The Nova has all the delay and harmonizing settings I need and has enough storage space for my programmed patches. The unit took a bit of time to learn but after a few hours it became very familiar, the only drawback that I had was that it took too long to move up the banks (approximately 1 sec) which seems like 10 seconds when you are playing a live set. I overcame this by ripping the Midi buddy form my old setup and MIDI’d it up to the Nova. Now I have instant patch changing. The on-board tuner is sufficient but because my eyesight is bad I decided to buy a stand-alone TC poly tuner which has a better display. All this was carried across the Atlantic as hand luggage and unlike my guitar arrived safe and sound. The first thing I had to do was mount all this shit onto a footboard. I found a sheet of high grade marine plywood lying behind a skip next to our hotel at Newark Airport, Mickey V then purchased a hand saw and proceeded to cut the ply to the appropriate size. The board was then painted matt black and day glo tape was added to the edges whilst the paint was still tacky. A few layers of gloss added the final protection, then the units were attached using Velcro technology. At each corner you will notice the anti-Mike Peters tank traps. These large hoops basically stop our wandering singer from standing on my unit and changing my presets. It was either that or bamboo spikes covered in monkey shit but he drew the line at that.

That is all.

01/07/13

What does a bear do in the woods?

Myers Flat,Humboldt County (in the shade of the giant sequoias)

Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes he bloody does, and how do I know? Well I just stood in one. A big pile of shit that I’ll never forget. I’ve been in Big Country for 30 odd years so I know a lot about shit. Christ! I should have been a plumber, Hell! I know more about shit than Davy Broon and he knows a shitload about shit.

I’m sitting in a café in Red Crest, 34 miles south of Eureka in the Avenue of the Giants and I am looking for Big Foot. Unfortunately the only wildlife I can see at the moment is a road weary rock band and a couple of manky raccoons.

The Sequoia trees in front of me are indeed giants, 350 feet in height and over 2000 years old. These trees are so wide; tunnels have been carved in them so you can drive through them.

Jan and I hitched a ride on the back of a pickup truck to witness this marvellous site. Meanwhile back at the campsite Jamie and Mickey V are preparing their latest gastronomical experiment for the BBQ. Road kill Kebabs again

All in all a great day, I never did see Big Foot but I most definitely stood in his shit.

That is all.

30/06/13

Weapons of Choice USA Part 1

Like I said in an earlier blog, my Fret King yellow guitar had the bridge damaged en route from UK to USA, basically the wrap around bridge had been hit and one of the retaining bolts came loose and got lost. This resulted in the bridge coming away from the body and rendering it unplayable. Tone Pros were kind enough to send me a new bridge free of charge but it wouldn’t arrive for a week. I used Mickey V’s (guitar tech) strat which only had one pickup up working for first few shows which got us through but because the neck pickup didn’t work I couldn’t use the ebow so The Storm and Hail & Farewell suffered because of this.

So anyway, let me introduce you to the red guitar.

The red guitar cost me $149 in Sam Ash’s music store, as we had limited funds because it was our first week on the road I was worried about paying any more than $700 for a decent guitar. I made my way to the used section and came across it lurking in the background, Born in Japan in 1986. Squier guitars from that period are famous for being extremely well made and as good as, if not better than the USA models. This model’s neck reminded me of my green 61 Strat that I got during the Peace In Our Time album. The guitar felt that it had only been used by a bedroom player as all the frets were in good condition, a few dings and scratches on the body were also evident. There is no scratch plate and the configuration is humbucker at bridge and 2 single coils in mid and neck position. The guitar has a floating classic Strat tremelo and 3 mini switches for changing pickups. I immediately saw the potential in the guitar and went about doing my usual customisation. Due to being in America we usually get a lot of interference coming through the amps at venues. This is due to the lighting in buildings and different voltage. I found an EMG active single coil in Leesburg for $33 and my good pal Tom gave me another EMG humbucker out of his old Ibanez.

I ripped out the 3 mini switches as I found them confusing and filled the holes with 8 ball valve caps from an auto parts store. I then had the tone control removed and inserted a Gibson style toggle switch to control the pickups. I don’t use middle position pickup so that was removed and the cavity was covered over by an Altoids peppermint tin lid. The tremolo unit was floating but as I don’t use a tremolo, I screwed the springs up tight and turned it into a hard tail. The machine heads are fine and just needed a little tightening up. To finish the custom job I added a decal of a rose again from an auto parts store. Needless to say the guitar saved my bacon and sounds fantastic.
More on effects and backline soon

That is all.

28/06/13

Plectrums and Poker Chips

Well you may think that the boys in plaid have been taking it easy over the past few days but nothing can be further from the truth. Jamie, Derek and Bruce have been as busy doing an Ocean’s Eleven all through the state of Nevada.

Lake Tahoe, Reno and Vegas were all taken to the cleaners by the ‘Devils in skirts’, and boy did they come up trumps. Both Bruce and Derek got heavily involved in a Mexican domino ring and ended up beating Johnny Gringo ‘The Domino Kid’ in a grudge match that very nearly drew blood. Jamie on the other hand got roped into a crap game that was so crap he won 100 bucks. All in all a vast amount was taken in by Sir Derek of Forbes and his merry men in a game that was most definitely crap for the casinos but very lucrative for the check shirt brigade.

Because of this windfall the boys will be handing out poker chips instead of plectrums at the end of the show

That is all.

19/06/13

On tour bus driving through Mohawk Valley en route to Yuma.

‘En Route’, 2 groovy French words meaning ‘on or along the way’.

Derek’s on the road again wearing different clothes again, so sung Manfred Mann and his amazing earth band back in the 70’s. Well here’s another song. ‘Don’t go down to Tuba city baby, they got 2 time zones and no beer’. Have I got the blues, you’re damn right.

Ok Boys and girls we are coming to the end of week 2 and the journey continues, we have cut the umbilical cord from the bus and are out on our own for the next 2 days. First stop is Durango where we couldn’t find the kid but we did rent a Ford Econoline.

First stop is Four Corners Monument where you can be in Utah, New Mexico, Colorado and Arizona all at the one time. Jamie is no stranger to this sensation as he is used to being in a few states all in one day.

We drive west on the 160 briefly stopping at Baby Rocks to shoot a video for ‘In A Broken Promise Land’ then head north for Monument Valley, where the earth meets the sky. Home of the Navajo and in the words of the great John Wayne ‘God’s treasure’.
It’s hot, it’s sticky and my scrotum is painfully trapped between my buttocks and perineum. I desperately need to get of the Econoline and adjust myself. We have all seen the pictures of Monument Valley a thousand times but you have to be there in person to witness the panorama.

It’s getting late so we head back on the road, destination Tuba City Arizona. We arrived at the hotel around 21.00 hours yet when I walked over the street to the truck stop it was nearly 22.00 hours. Arizona does not observe Daylight Time, though the Navajo reservation does. In practice the town is a bit varied on this time zone thing, tribal offices and schools observe daylight savings time while most businesses do not. This is a fantastic excuse for being late for the bus next morning.

I ask the big guy behind the counter with the Mohawk where I can get a beer. He tells me it is not allowed in town and if we are caught drinking alcohol then we are likely to be thrown in jail for the night.
Sod it; I’ll go to Denny’s

That is all.

13/06/13

On tour bus driving through Kansas City

Well, boys & girls that’s the first week of the US tour in the can, and what a week it’s been. We landed at Newark and were met by our good friend John as well as Mickey and Jan (our new crew). The bus is fully stocked and we’re ready to roll. We have no day to acclimatise and have two shows in one day. First show is in Philadelphia in the afternoon, the second is the Wunderbar in Asbury Park.

The baggage handlers have been unkind to the guitarists. The bridge on my yellow fret king has been bent out of shape and is unusable. Jamie’s pickups have been bashed in, but are repairable. Had to play Philly show with bust guitar and used Mickey’s Strat with one working pickup for Asbury Park. Not ideal but the only other option would have been a washboard with a fuzz box. A quick visit to Sam Ash’s music store the next day unearthed a hidden treasure. $149 lighter, I came out with a fire engine red 1986 Japanese Squire. The guitar is a beauty and will certainly get me through the tour. Big thanks to Tom Kercheval for finding me EMG pickups in Leesburg.

Got chatted up by one of those cougars again, the last time this happened was in Manchester on the UK tour. Not sure what these older women see in me, I’m 52 with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, but it’s good to know that I still appeal to the fairer sex. The fact that she had a white stick and was licking double glazing at the time still counts in my book.

The Scottish contingent has now succumbed to bearing their milky white legs; Derek, Jamie and I are now bright red, with no trace of our blue complexion left. Yes the Scotsman abroad is alive and peeling.

We are taking no hotels on this tour apart from a day room each day for showers and so on. We park up near Walmart each day and get the supplies in, then fire the barbeque up. Both Jan and Mickey are experts at this and what they can do with a top sirloin is no one’s business.

Jamie and Mark spend so much time in these Walmarts and are now fully paid up members of the Walmartian club.

First purchase of the week was a blender, which Mike put to good use by making us his world famous ‘strawberry surprise, A cunning blend of blueberry, banana and cranberry certainly packed a punch but the cranberries were so tarte my underpants got sucked so far up my ass I thought I had been wedgied by a greengrocer from Rhyl. He is now known as Smooth Operator Mike.

We are now in the middle of a Journey from Indianapolis Indiana to Topeka Kansas, The pants are off and the dominoes are on the table.

That is all

(somewhere in Germany…..)

Woke up this morning and my dog was dead, someone had shot him right through the head. Thats a lie, I don’t have a dog, and I live on a tour bus, Why the heck would I have a dog on a tour bus? Where would it sleep? Don’t answer that, What a beautiful morning it is here in Mannheim. The sun is streaming through the windows and the musty smell of rotting stage clothes is wafting through the upstairs corridor. The febreeze is running out and we are getting desperate. Oh the horror!

Welcome back to the second installment of Watson’s Away Day. this is week number two and we are having a ball. Mark has now got his packing down to a fine art in preparation for the American tour. One flight bag containing passport, body wash and baby wipes. Apart from jacket, jeans and shoes all clothing is disposable. It’s a flawless plan and the customs man doesn’t have to get intimate with him.

Today we got pulled by the cops on the autobahn. They did a random check of the bus and decided that the brakes on the trailer were faulty, they weren’t but Dirk got fined 600 euros and we had to wait 2 hours for the bus company to deliver a new trailer.

Jamie is getting used the the pedal situation now and only swore at it twice.
I discovered a really rare 1983 Gibson Spirit guitar today and bought it. It’s a cracking guitar and hopefully Mark my guitar tech will have it set up for the next show.

Both Derek and I purchased pocket watches from an antique store. My timepiece cost 10 euros and a further 8 to get battery fitted whilst Derek’s is over 100 years old and cost 600. Needless to say one of them tells perfect time.

Mike’s nephew Will is now working for the band setting up Mark and Derek’s gear, he is a lovely lad but his diet leaves a lot to be desired. He is only 19 and his daily 5 a day consists off chicken nuggets and jammy dodgers.
This is OK at his age but if he continues like this into later life then I am afraid he may have to visit Doctor Proctor with the fleischwurst fingers.

That is all

Thanks,

Bruce Watson

Date 17/05/13

Bochum Germany

Roll up Roll up, the greatest show on earth is coming.

Scream in terror as the Kaleidoscope Kid reduces The Eclipse to a quivering wreck with his magic axe.

Watch in amazement as the Mighty Quill conjures up thunder then lays down the law.

Be scared shitless as Dr Octoban rides the wall of death with The Flying Scotsman strapped to his back.

Of course life on the road’s not really like that, is it, but it did grab your attention.
Well, that’s us into the first leg of the European tour and what a tour it’s been so far. It’s been ‘full on’ since last week, what with travelling up and down to London in order to visit the American embassy for visas. (Yes they let us in).

This is our first day off so I thought I would let you guys know how we are doing.
We are travelling by bus with eleven people on board. Its 09.30 am and everyone is asleep. The bus looks like it’s been involved in a huge motorway pile up with bags, clothes and bottles strewn over the tables and floor. This is normal, this is touring. This is what I call camping on wheels. Today we have been joined by Jenny who works for the promoter. She is a lovely lady so swear words and excessive farting has been kept to a minimum. The piss tank on bus is nearly full so Dirk our German driver has pinned a notice on the toilet door which reads “Ladies only, we only have limited pee storage, men please use outside”.

Ablution time usually starts around 10.30 am. The usual procedure is to find the nearest hotel, walk in confidently as if you are a guest, find the toilets, then casually walk in with baby wipes hidden under arm.

Mark has this down to a fine art and usually manages to get a full continental breakfast thrown in.

Mike has been really busy with the day to day running of the band and is so proactive that the rest of the entourage have nick named him Yakult.

I have also been busy programming two TC Nova delay pedals for Jamie and I. Jamie has never used a unit like this before and the first night he did, all I could hear was him shouting “fuck off” at it. He kept getting the patch numbers wrong which triggered off loads of weird and wonderful noises. I told him that shouting fuck off to the equipment wouldn’t make it work any better.

Derek has been wearing the kilt and military jackets on stage every night. The jackets are heavy duty and he keeps them on for the full concert in order to lose weight. His weight plan is working and after 4 days on the road there has been a noticeable difference. He is now fading away to a horse.

That is all.

Thanks,

Bruce Watson